Vancouver had celebrities from George Clooney to the Governator, a five-ring circus blanketing the entire downtown, and 60,000 spectators cramming B.C. Place for Friday’s opening ceremonies.

Victoria? Dean Fortin, face painting and 400 people in umbrella-dotted Centennial Square, eyes glued to a big(ish) screen while street entertainers patrolled the edges of what around here passes for a crowd. A solid three out of 10 on the frenzy scale.

But gosh, it warmed me all the way to the soles of my rain-soaked socks when, after enduring two hours of showers and seven years of hype, those 400 people leapt to their feet and hollered their heads off as Canada’s Olympians made their entrance last night. There’s something endearing about unrehearsed joy, even way out here in the cheap seats.

Welcome to the Olympics the way most of us are going to see it — from a distance, on the screen.

Sure, maybe you went online to shop for some last-minute Olympic deals, but decided that $6,900 was a smidgen too much to pay for a pair of tickets to the men’s gold-medal hockey game. (Particularly if the final turns out to be between, say, Latvia and Paraguay.)

Which left you stuck/safe (depending on your perspective) over here on the wrong/sane side of the moat, so close, yet so far, from the action.

Never fear, Victoria, you need not miss a moment of the Winter Games. Indeed, good luck trying to avoid them.

Every single minute of every single competition — curling, biathlon, snow golf, whatever — will be available either on your television or streamed live to your computer. CTV, the host broadcaster, brags it will provide an unprecedented, mind-numbing 4,800 hours worth of live coverage, either on the main network, one of 10 other channels in the television consortium, or online. If you recorded it all and then, starting right now, watched every minute end-to-end without pausing for a second, you wouldn’t finish until September. And you would be divorced.

Here’s a quick guide to watching the Winter Games.

• “Do you believe?” Yes, I believe you won’t be able to change channels, open a laptop or lift the toilet seat for the next two weeks without seeing five rings and an inukshuk.

CTV is Games central, the place to go for the highlights packages, the big events, the news of the Olympics.

Extended coverage can be found on other members of the official television consortium. TSN and Sportsnet will cover events in their entirety, not duck in and out of games as CTV is more likely to do.

Even more Olympic coverage can be found on OLN, OMNI, APTN and the French-language RDS.

Check out the Viewer’s Guide at ctvolympics.ca to plot your non-stop watching. Don’t forget to feed the dog (and children).

• Tired of the jingoistic, too-Canadian coverage on CTV? Then switch to the jingoistic, too-American coverage on NBC.

King 5, the Seattle affiliate, will show more than 200 hours of Olympic coverage over 17 days. If you have digital, MSNBC will carry 30 hockey and curling games.

By the way, back when the economy was hotter than Lindsey Vonn, NBC paid $820 million for the rights to broadcast these Games (that’s more than the B.C. government’s official contribution). The company now expects to lose $200 million on the Olympics. Oh well, at least they have Conan, right?

• Tired of the Canadians curlers and American skiers on the networks? Then check out the Bulgarian biathletes on your computer.

Every minute of every event will be streamed over the Internet. Again, go to ctvolympics.ca.

• Just in case the pool-table-sized TV you bought during Boxing Week isn’t big enough, there’s always the big screen at Silver City. It’s $9.95 a day or $29.95 for the whole two weeks. Don’t try pulling out your MasterCard, though; payment options are limited to cash or Olympics sponsor Visa.

• Or trundle down to Centennial Square, where the outdoor celebrations continue from noon to 4 p.m. Saturday and Sunday. Who needs George Clooney, anyway?